After the over-confidence, naivete and misguided dreams of my late teens and pre-20 young adulthood dissolved away, I realised that I lacked. I lacked in proficient skills (serviceable but not anywhere near remarkable), in social skills (a bigger hole in my industry than most others), and a clear direction of what I want to be (the truth, despite the positive spin, is that I still haven’t found what I actually want to specialise in yet). I lacked certainty, connections and discipline. Even my dreams were but daydreams, that vanished upon the slightest hint of a reality check.

Presently, I consider this self-realisation of what I lack the greatest gift that adulthood has forced on me so far.

In the last 3 years, as I saw more of the world (in both the literal and figurative sense), I discovered people who had their shit together, who, if they weren’t already in a place they were satisfied with, had a coherent roadmap to get there. I also met people who were always hungry for more, who had internalised hustle and had enough savvy to navigate through the minefields as they relentlessly climbed towards their faraway goals.

Sometimes I look at my rudimentary grasp of Japanese, and I wished that I had learnt it years earlier, when I had a youthful abundance of free time. I lacked the initiative to extend my love for anime and manga to its natural conclusion- learning the language.

When taking photos, I realised that I lacked the foresight to take great pictures. I could take okay pictures, occasionally good ones, but I didn’t possess the spacial visualisation and capacity to deconstruct the scene before my eyes to its bare essentials- lighting, composition, elements- before even needing to take a shot.

I always thought I could fall back on my writing ability, if nothing else worked out career-wise. But instead of honing my skills, sharpening that blade, I put out nary a word. Each time the topic moved to my writing, I felt bad that I could hardly find a piece that I was proud of. Fear, disinterest and hesitation practically put the pen into years of sleep, and would have killed it eventually.

My lack of social and conversational skills is probably the biggest burden I have had to carry in my life. Improvements have been made since the bad old days of secondary school, but progress is still quite inconsistent- sometimes I get stuck in my shell again, only to start a chain of awkward interactions upon trying to get out of it. In a competitive industry where one needs to be above-average in this aspect to survive, to be below-average does no favours and at worst, can actively hamstring career options and networks.

Some of these lacking aspects were conscious and guilt-laden, some unconscious, but only in my 20s did I realise what was at stake.
Many people hit the same conclusions before I did, but there is a great difference between understanding a message and actually having it hit home. Because what I saw in others amplified what I lacked, and because the route past tertiary education again expanded into a vast field of infinite possibilities, I was finally inspired to crawl out of my mediocre life of mediocre standards.

I’ve been working on the specific examples mentioned above, slowly but surely. Even if I’m not actively trying to improve them at every given time, they’ve now occupied substantial mental real-estate and are there to stay. I want to improve. I’m intermittently writing again, I’m currently studying Japanese with a focus to improve language processing and I’ve given some serious thought to better understand lighting in photography. Among all of these, the reinvigorated struggle against social awkwardness will take centre-stage.

That said, even though I have a slow reaction time, I don’t think I comprehend things slowly, and I already know my next steps. To continue learning and improving, I need to not only put in consistent effort, but also to expose myself to new things and inspirational people, to shine light on what I’m unconsciously incompetent at.

Accompanying me at every step of my new journey is the understanding that the best time to start was yesterday, but the second best time to start is today.